Not-So-Happy Stuff :(

Dear Spookies,

Up til now, I haven't acted very "Gothy". At least not since I got over myself after my freshman year of college. My former blog (buried in the annals of the internet on a website called "DeadJournal".... I was far too dark and brood-y to have a LiveJournal like everyone else) can attest to the doomy-gloomy teenager I used to be.

A cocktail of meds and years of therapy have done wonders for me. But occasionally I still get really really REALLY SAD.

This is one of those really really sad times, Spookies. Every so once in a while, I get overwhelmed by life and it makes day-to-day life seem like an insurmountable chore.

Near the end of January, I lost my uncle Smokey, who was like a father to my mom (she called him her "chosen father"). I have bill collectors calling me 7 times a day about a credit card I got in order to pay my (now deceased) cat's medical bills. A good friend and fellow Toy Soldier died a few days ago as well. I hate the people I have to work with and the corporate nonsense I have to endure for not nearly enough pay. I've been suddenly given a deadline to finish my degree, otherwise I'm going to lose most (if not all) of the credits I've earned over the past 4 years. My roommate and I are having a bit of a difficult time seeing eye to eye on ANYTHING. And I miss my ex-boyfriend. All of these things are making me feel guilty and angry and ultimately, pretty helpless.

When my life is in such upheaval, it's hard for me to trust that things will change and that everything is going to get better. I know it will get better. It always does. I wish I was one of those people who was able to just brace themselves and run headfirst into their problems. Tackle it and piece by piece get it done. I'm stuck on the big picture, and it's pretty scary-looking. And when I idle like this, people get impatient. I can't blame them. They're basically forced to watch someone self-destruct right in front of them. Which can't be pretty.

I think I need to go in and get re-evaluated. My brain is not okay. Normal people should be able to process grief and anger and sadness. I need to quit avoiding stuff. I need to do my taxes. I need to grow confident in my new relationship. But first, I think I need some motivation. Now where to find some of that.....

Love Forever,
Miss Manic

Endings and Beginnings

Spookies, I have some bad news.

Well I suppose it's both good and bad news. Beau and I are no longer a couple. The breakup was initiated by me, and involved a host of factors influencing my decision. I believe I did the right thing, but that does not mean that I don't feel bad, guilty and depressed over it. I'd rather not go into details here in this blog, but trust that we will both be better off for having separated. I'm sure of it.

I just have to keep telling myself that.

In other news, I've become completely wrapped up in Toy Soldier-ish things. Ugly, the famous uglydoll came and spent Christmas with me (and also my first Hanukkah!). I've also initiated a contest for the design of the new #6800 logo, entered a Toy Soldier quilt block exchange, and spearheaded my very first mission, which will take place next weekend. Busy me! I suppose busy is better than the alternative, though.

Sorry I don't have much more to write, Spookies. Hopefully I'll have a longer entry for you all soon, but in the meantime: LOVE.

-Miss Manic